Funny Stuff for Horse People
I have read some really funny stuff over the years and some of it was too good to not share. This page is dedicated to the lighter side of horse ownership.
THE HORSE'S LIST OF NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS...
1. I CAN walk and poop at the same time - I can, I can, I can!
2. I will NOT stop and poop or urinate every time I pass the same spot in the arena.
3. I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.
4. My stall is NOT my litter box. When I have free access to my paddock, I will NOT go back inside to pee.
5. I will NOT roll in streams or try to roll when my human is on my back.
6. I will NOT leap over large non-existent obstacles when the whim strikes.
7. I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
8. I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet.
9. I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer nature's call.
10. I will NOT bite my farrier's butt just because it is there.
11. I will NOT confuse my human's blond hair for really soft hay.
12. I will NOT wipe green slime down the back of my human's white shirt.
13. I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
14. I will NOT try to mooch goodies off every human within a 1 mile radius.
15. I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
16. I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
17. I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure while my human is mucking my stall.
18. I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
19. I will NOT have an attitude problem - I won't, I won't, I won't!
20. I will NOT pull my new shoes off the very next day just to prove that I can.
21. I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I WON'T eat or remodel the barn or the new fences.
22. I am NOT a Shin'a'in Battlesteed. I will not act like one.
23. I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I look like a freak.
24. I accept that not every carrot is for me.
25. I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.
26. I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180 degrees every time I see a deer.
27. I will understand that deer are NOT carnivorous.
28. I will NOT shy at familiar objects just for fun.
29. I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during the trail ride just to say "Hi".
30. I WILL put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos.
Basic Rules for Horses Who Have a Barn to Protect
The art of snorting: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family horse to accommodate them.
Neighing: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing you, 'Neigh, neigh, neigh.'
Stomping cats: When standing in cross ties, make sure you never - quite - stomp on the barn cat's tail. It spoils all the fun.
Chewing: Make a contribution to the architectural industry - chew on your stall wall, the fence or any other wooden item.
Fresh bedding: It is perfectly permissible to urinate in the middle of your freshly bedded stall to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.
Dining etiquette: Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stall and we all know how humans love a challenge (that's what they said when they bought you as a two year old, right?).
Doors: Any door, even partially open, is always an invitation for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will frantically run after and chase you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.
Going for trail rides: Rules of the road: When out for a trail ride with your owner, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
Holes: Rather than pawing and digging a BIG hole in the middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
Ground Manners: Ground manners are very important to humans, break as much of the ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss and impresses your humans.
Nuzzling: Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your humans. Be ready to rub your head on the area of your human that you just nuzzled to dry it off, too.
Playing: If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean ol' vet, not you.
A letter from your horse ...original version and the real story ...
When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.
When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be thoughtful.
When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
When you are tired, let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, let me teach you. After all, I am your horse.
And now, the REAL story.....
When you are tense, let me teach you that there are lions in them thar woods, and we need to leave NOW!
When you are short tempered, let me teach you to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am hiding.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you that herbivores kick much faster (harder) than omnivores.
When
you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet
because I don't feel like cantering on my right lead today.
When you are worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness.
When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.
When you are self absorbed, let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. Remember? I told you about those lions in them thar woods?
When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200 lbs. Of "YAHOO LETS GO!" can do when suitably inspired.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast and dinner.
When you are tired, don't forget the 600lbs. Of grain that needs to be unloaded.
When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services".
When you need to learn, hang around, bud. I'll learn ya.
Good Things About Husbands:
Husbands are less expensive to shoe. (Unless your horse is one of those lucky ones with hooves like rocks.)
Feeding a husband doesn't require anything that even mildly
compares with the hassle of putting up hay. (Though they are a great
deal more picky.)
A lame husband can still work. (In theory, though they will try to make you think they are DYING)
A husband with a belly-ache doesn't have to be walked. (But he will whine incessantly.)
Husbands don't try to scratch their heads on your back. (No, just other things.)
They're better able to understand puns. (Most of the time.)
If they're playing hard to catch you *may* be able to run them down
on foot. (No, because they can run faster scared than you can mad.)
They know their name. (Though they have selective hearing.)
They pay their own bills. (Actually, no they don't.)
They apologize when they step on your toes. (Most of the time.)
They seldom refuse to get in the vehicle. (Wellllll, depends on if they know you are going to the mall or not.)
They don't panic, yelling and running all through the house when you leave them alone. (unless you left the kids too)
For a nominal fee you can hire someone else to clip them. (Unless they have a deep fear of the clippers.)
Men rarely pee in the middle of the bed day in and day out. (True, but they sometimes have issues aiming at the toilet.)
Men don't usually trample their dinner into their beds, or eat the bedding. (No, but they do get crumbs everywhere.)
You don't have to bolt the door every time you leave them for a few minutes
to stop them running back to their friends. (Also depends on just WHAT their friends are doing.)
The Horse's Advantage:
If they don't work out you can sell them.
They don't come with in-laws.
If they don't behave you can castrate them.
You don't have to worry about your children looking like them.
You never have to iron their saddle pads.
If you get too fat for one you can shop for a bigger one.
They smell good when they sweat.
You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape.
It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence".
You can force them to stay in good physical condition...with a whip if necessary.
They don't want their turn at the computer.
They turn white with age, but not bald.
They learn to accept restraint.
They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot.
Your horse will not think a new pair of shoes every month is excessive
Your horse will be glad of the company if you go shopping for
another one, and your friends will approve of you keeping more than
one, as this is more natural.
You know, I think I may stick to my horse!